I'll have to decide on the rest of my life in these few weeks.

Just a few housekeeping updates:
-I will soon be under the PPS payroll so I can actually get paid to film the football games and maybe do some other fieldwork (maybe a promotional video for cross country?). That means I'll have 2 jobs and 2 possible internships to look forward to. Hopefully I can do it with cross country, PCC, student government, and maybe later the innovation challenge and robotics. Oh! And also signup for colleges and scholarships. But that seems to be my lifestyle. And I like it. I like to be busy, I like to contribute.

Earlier today I talked with my friend's mom(gabe's mom) and she said some things that made me really think about the kind of life that I could have. She was surprised when I told her I wanted to be a pharmacist since she thought it was a "sterile" environment for me. She's seen my artistic side with my video work and thinks that pharmacy is not the right choice entirety. I personally want to also use done of that money to build on my other hobbies like video and 3d animation. Maybe I'll make movies someday. I also want to persue the real estate. It's far out there but I enjoy the businesses behind the housing market, my parents are landloards and they make it seem like a stable investment, if you have a steady income (another reason for pharmacy). But I know that won't be easy. I'll have to go to school top learn about the housing market, and more video production. I want to do it all. I think I can, because I'm doing a lot now and I know how top stay focused under stress. I wasn't to have multiple jobs and be good at them, it's blissfull when I get things done. There is no greater feeling in the world for me.

The only greater feeling I think I can have is to be there with a significant other. I have yet to experience it in all this time. But I hope that my life with bring good things to me, like a good girl. I'm an independent person, but I feel that life isn't complete if your living it alone.

My smile is not a lie

For a long time, maybe the past 2-3 years, I thought about the state of my happiness. Not just blissfull movements that come and go, but the evaluation of my life as being content with what I have. My dad always had asked I'd I was "content" and is say "yeah" because at the time I was a kid. What would I be chronically discontent, except being in Alaska (but I accepted it, since there was no choice given to me until the end of that endeavour), but know times have changed. I hold myself to new expectations. And to the most part I've met most of them. I am seen as a nice guy at school, am generally recognized, and have tested my abilities both academically, socially, and in extracurricular ways. I'm proud of myself for what I've done this far in high school. However there was a goal that I made at the end of my sophomore year, that I think would compete me. To have a girlfriend. A female companion who could complement the way I am, someone who I can listen to, share my memories with. Although I found nobody for me by the end of junior year. I had four girls express their feelings, but I expressed mine to them in the individual level. The underlining message was the same, I felt that they were not my type. I'm picky, but believe in strong relationships with foundations that are good from the start. That has lead me to suffer a painfull loneliness. I see couples around me, and many times I'm happy for them. And I wonder when my time will be up, that settle down with someone that feels just right.

Most of my thoughts are coming from events today. In Boys-to-men, a sports run meeting yo talk about respect for women, we talked about who our role models are. I figured that everyone is my role model because I learn from everyone. Even myself since I push myself basically all the time to be better off then I was a week ago, a year ago, and a span of years. I know it sounds arrogant, like something that kanye west would say, but I feel like I've established a personality and set of beliefs and values that I can look up to. If I knew someone just like me, it would be grand.

Part of the reason I love to help people is because it is a representation of my abilities. To prove to myself that, I'm okay. Some of it, if not most of it, is instinct that cause me to act when people are problemed with something.

For example today I helped my friend, lillian, get into their car after they locked their keys inside. They asked for my phone, and what began as simply informing her mother to the situations led to me sitting down and calling a bunch of locksmiths around town. Eventually I found one for her and scheduled an appointment for them to open the car. This was all during a fieldtrip to PSU so it was a bit stressfull to transition between tasks. Later me and Lillian went over to the car. To the locksmith during the time i was suppose to do a presentation, I had done all the preparation beforehand so what I riskes missing was the actual presentation during this. At the car the locksmith informed us that full payment was to be given before he can even start to work. Lillian was short of $15, and I remembered that I had a $20 in my wallet at PSU. So I told them I'd get it and ran back to get it, picked up the speed because two things were waiting for me. The locksmith and the fieldtrip. Upon entering the doors of the fieldtrip, my presentation was up. I went ocer to the potieum and gave my quick explaination about how to acess a few things on the PSU library website. Afterwards I wrnt to my bag, grabbed my wallet, and was out the door again jumping down to skip the steps entirely tp get back to the other matter at hand. I gave the $20 to the locksmith and he opened the car. Lillian was happy and greatful. And i was more than happy to help, literally. And at the time I write thia, I feel that it's times like these that I love most about my life. I love to help people in an effective manner and be there for people. I like to handle the stress and take csre of business in whichever environment. I was happy, and this will serve as a happy memory.

I typically smile with my interactions with people, and wonder if it's a genuine smile or just habbit. I think that people do make me happy.

helping Lillian

Suprise Birthday, Real birthday, first cross country race.

On the 6th of September My family and I went over to my uncles house for a general dinner. I was told it was a going away get together for my grandmother who had spent some time up here. To my surprise It actually disguised as a birthday celebration! I had no idea, and it felt nice. It was the first time that I celebrated a birthday with people outside my household family since 2003. And back then, when I was six years old, It was at Chucke Cheese. in Aloha Ever since we left to Alaska, birthday celebrations haven't quite been the same.

The seventh, my actual birthday, I decided to quit on the idea of going to the Zombie filming hosted by the Portland Film Fesitival, and instead hang out with my friend at the nickel arcade on belmont. We also went to eat a few things along Hawethorn. The whole experience was new to me, to the point that it was hard to decide on what to do, since it was the first time I saw friends on my birthday. As weird as it sounds, it is true. I didn't get to see all my friends since some of them went to Komoricon in Vancouver, but my good friends Donavan and Anthony spend the day with me. It was odd to be the man of honor, but i enjoyed it.

My social experiment turned out to prove what I expected. No one said happy birthday on Facebook, which means they probably rely on Facebook to remind them on the day of. I received a call from Johnmartin, my friend from Jefferson, And a text from Fiona and Arabella, also friends from Jefferson, which was genuine.
As a result from the experiment I spend a good amount of time on Thursday going around the school and asking my friends when their birthdays may be. I told some about my experiment and decided that in order to make a more genuine connection with them through their birthday, I'd have to set up a system to remind myself to mention it days before. Asking for birthdays through people off guard since no one does that, but there was a time where that was the only way. Anyways, I hope to buy a cupcake for their birthday. That would be nice.

As for today....I ran at cross country, did poorly in terms of time, but I felt that I preformed well. I also have a lot of things going on in my life and cross country just takes up a small portion of my dedication this year. I still expect to do better, but my priority is on other things like student government, video work for football, being a math tutor for Spanish speakers and general college things as well.

I feel fine. I like to be busy. I'd rather do well in a lot of things than do excellent in one area. It seems to work fine to me.

As a last thought. Seeing so many girls at the meet today made me think about my status of being single. I feel like I've done pretty well for myself during my time in High school, but one thing I've failed is to have a companion to who I can share my experiences with. It's a bit sad, and I'm not sure why it's like the way it is. There had been few of girls who asked me out last year, but I'm not sure if It's me being too picky, too busy, or if I'm just afraid of change. I feel like girls are easier to manage as friends since a girlfriend requires plenty of time and care for a relationship to flourish. I've convinced myself that I'm ready for a girlfriend by doing things to the masses of girls at school that I would only do to one girl, if she was my girlfriend. Like giving flowers, giving full attention when listening, and being nice. I think I have it in my to be a good guy, I guess I just haven't found the right one yet and it makes me afraid about that I haven't met the perfect one. I hope I don't end up a more bitter person.

Video producing for money and the facebook trick.

I spent all of last night but 4 hours, editing and exporting the game on Friday. It's a neat opportunity to get paid to do something I would do for free, but editing through the night is definitely influenced by the demand of having the video ready by morning. It seems to be good practice for higher stress video producing.

Since my birthday is coming up so quickly, i decided to try a little social experiment. It's based on a sad observation that friends don't really keep track of the birthdays of their other friends. They leave that to the electronics. Every time some one's birthday comes up it's mentioned on Face book and will remind you the day of the actual birthday. It seems less genuine, since it's a system that gives kids these days a last minute reminder so they can write something short and generic on the wall their friend for their birthday. Instead of receiving these designing "happy birthday" messages this year, I hid my birthday from my Face book. Sure it's been up for a couple weeks, which would've given them enough time to put that into their short term memory enough to say something this coming Monday. I'd rather face the truth that I don't advertise my birthday much or that my friends don't remember my birthday than live in an illusion where Internet comments can make me whole.

And if people do say something on the day, than good on them! I believe in quality over quanity. This will be a good test to evaluate some friendships.

I found the Camera!

It turns out that the camera was in Mr. Kulak's class the whole time. It was lost for four days, do maybe one of the custodians moved it. Maybe took it? And then returned it when they saw it was property of PCC. Anyways I was literally speachless when kulak gave it to me during his 8th period class. During my time without a sound, he made a lesson of it: don't move to instantly thinking it was stolen (which I did not,but who cares I got the camera back!), we should live in a society where that is not consider. Of course I'm paraphrasing. Losing the camera kinda ruined my whole week, but even undertaking that I had to shovel from my bank account $600, I still found many moments where I laughed, enjoyed myself and felt over it. This experience has shown me Thai I am pretty laid back when times get tough. It's better to deal with it than complain. Since the day I lost it in September 1st I: filed a police report, a PCC appeal, a lost propertu form at my school, talked to the custodians that cleaned up kulak's room, interviewed 3-4 students who where in the library with me during the inverval of time it may have been lost, talked to +7 members if staff including the principle, searched kulak's room brielfy (maybe too briefly), and I rven submitted a report to Trimet and talked to the nearby library in case I live in a universe where ever now and then select people have weird travels that bend time to go somewhere,  without remember. Searching those last parts just made me feel better, to make sure all possibilities where covered. Oh! And I also went to the park to search for it for the same reason as just discussed.

Good day before the camera, better day after.

I was thinking that since I was so close to paying $600 on nothing to me, then if on the off chance that I do find it, I'd take those $600, that would've otherwise been wasted, and buy a camera.

Im still deciding on that, but one's thing for sure. I'm not checking out cameras as often anymore, and when I do you'll need a scalpel to detach it from my hip.

No luck about finding that $400 camera

Today I went to school hoping I'd get a few leads as to the whereabouts of the DSLR camera I borrowed from PCC. After checking all the rooms I might have left it in and shaking down all the adults that could've possibly been in contact with it I filed a lost property report at my school. After the search, I felt like I was coming to terms with this tragedy. I have a bit of hope that my 11th grade english teacher Ms. Wright gave me, that the item could be insured and I wouldn't have to pay for the full price of the item.

It wasn't a so great day.

A quick input because I'm busy

I ran well today at Peninsula, 20min run, pushed a bit was fun overall.
got started on my college essay,

I had a ton of inspiration of where the direction was going in my topic. Later I focused on working on the notorious water simulation in blender, motivation to write lessened. I am concerned.

I got my student ID today.

Oh! and I lost a $500-600 camera, hope I can find it tomorrow!

Good night.