For a long time, maybe the past 2-3 years, I thought about the state of my happiness. Not just blissfull movements that come and go, but the evaluation of my life as being content with what I have. My dad always had asked I'd I was "content" and is say "yeah" because at the time I was a kid. What would I be chronically discontent, except being in Alaska (but I accepted it, since there was no choice given to me until the end of that endeavour), but know times have changed. I hold myself to new expectations. And to the most part I've met most of them. I am seen as a nice guy at school, am generally recognized, and have tested my abilities both academically, socially, and in extracurricular ways. I'm proud of myself for what I've done this far in high school. However there was a goal that I made at the end of my sophomore year, that I think would compete me. To have a girlfriend. A female companion who could complement the way I am, someone who I can listen to, share my memories with. Although I found nobody for me by the end of junior year. I had four girls express their feelings, but I expressed mine to them in the individual level. The underlining message was the same, I felt that they were not my type. I'm picky, but believe in strong relationships with foundations that are good from the start. That has lead me to suffer a painfull loneliness. I see couples around me, and many times I'm happy for them. And I wonder when my time will be up, that settle down with someone that feels just right.
Most of my thoughts are coming from events today. In Boys-to-men, a sports run meeting yo talk about respect for women, we talked about who our role models are. I figured that everyone is my role model because I learn from everyone. Even myself since I push myself basically all the time to be better off then I was a week ago, a year ago, and a span of years. I know it sounds arrogant, like something that kanye west would say, but I feel like I've established a personality and set of beliefs and values that I can look up to. If I knew someone just like me, it would be grand.
Part of the reason I love to help people is because it is a representation of my abilities. To prove to myself that, I'm okay. Some of it, if not most of it, is instinct that cause me to act when people are problemed with something.
For example today I helped my friend, lillian, get into their car after they locked their keys inside. They asked for my phone, and what began as simply informing her mother to the situations led to me sitting down and calling a bunch of locksmiths around town. Eventually I found one for her and scheduled an appointment for them to open the car. This was all during a fieldtrip to PSU so it was a bit stressfull to transition between tasks. Later me and Lillian went over to the car. To the locksmith during the time i was suppose to do a presentation, I had done all the preparation beforehand so what I riskes missing was the actual presentation during this. At the car the locksmith informed us that full payment was to be given before he can even start to work. Lillian was short of $15, and I remembered that I had a $20 in my wallet at PSU. So I told them I'd get it and ran back to get it, picked up the speed because two things were waiting for me. The locksmith and the fieldtrip. Upon entering the doors of the fieldtrip, my presentation was up. I went ocer to the potieum and gave my quick explaination about how to acess a few things on the PSU library website. Afterwards I wrnt to my bag, grabbed my wallet, and was out the door again jumping down to skip the steps entirely tp get back to the other matter at hand. I gave the $20 to the locksmith and he opened the car. Lillian was happy and greatful. And i was more than happy to help, literally. And at the time I write thia, I feel that it's times like these that I love most about my life. I love to help people in an effective manner and be there for people. I like to handle the stress and take csre of business in whichever environment. I was happy, and this will serve as a happy memory.
I typically smile with my interactions with people, and wonder if it's a genuine smile or just habbit. I think that people do make me happy.
No comments:
Post a Comment