I'll have to decide on the rest of my life in these few weeks.

Just a few housekeeping updates:
-I will soon be under the PPS payroll so I can actually get paid to film the football games and maybe do some other fieldwork (maybe a promotional video for cross country?). That means I'll have 2 jobs and 2 possible internships to look forward to. Hopefully I can do it with cross country, PCC, student government, and maybe later the innovation challenge and robotics. Oh! And also signup for colleges and scholarships. But that seems to be my lifestyle. And I like it. I like to be busy, I like to contribute.

Earlier today I talked with my friend's mom(gabe's mom) and she said some things that made me really think about the kind of life that I could have. She was surprised when I told her I wanted to be a pharmacist since she thought it was a "sterile" environment for me. She's seen my artistic side with my video work and thinks that pharmacy is not the right choice entirety. I personally want to also use done of that money to build on my other hobbies like video and 3d animation. Maybe I'll make movies someday. I also want to persue the real estate. It's far out there but I enjoy the businesses behind the housing market, my parents are landloards and they make it seem like a stable investment, if you have a steady income (another reason for pharmacy). But I know that won't be easy. I'll have to go to school top learn about the housing market, and more video production. I want to do it all. I think I can, because I'm doing a lot now and I know how top stay focused under stress. I wasn't to have multiple jobs and be good at them, it's blissfull when I get things done. There is no greater feeling in the world for me.

The only greater feeling I think I can have is to be there with a significant other. I have yet to experience it in all this time. But I hope that my life with bring good things to me, like a good girl. I'm an independent person, but I feel that life isn't complete if your living it alone.

My smile is not a lie

For a long time, maybe the past 2-3 years, I thought about the state of my happiness. Not just blissfull movements that come and go, but the evaluation of my life as being content with what I have. My dad always had asked I'd I was "content" and is say "yeah" because at the time I was a kid. What would I be chronically discontent, except being in Alaska (but I accepted it, since there was no choice given to me until the end of that endeavour), but know times have changed. I hold myself to new expectations. And to the most part I've met most of them. I am seen as a nice guy at school, am generally recognized, and have tested my abilities both academically, socially, and in extracurricular ways. I'm proud of myself for what I've done this far in high school. However there was a goal that I made at the end of my sophomore year, that I think would compete me. To have a girlfriend. A female companion who could complement the way I am, someone who I can listen to, share my memories with. Although I found nobody for me by the end of junior year. I had four girls express their feelings, but I expressed mine to them in the individual level. The underlining message was the same, I felt that they were not my type. I'm picky, but believe in strong relationships with foundations that are good from the start. That has lead me to suffer a painfull loneliness. I see couples around me, and many times I'm happy for them. And I wonder when my time will be up, that settle down with someone that feels just right.

Most of my thoughts are coming from events today. In Boys-to-men, a sports run meeting yo talk about respect for women, we talked about who our role models are. I figured that everyone is my role model because I learn from everyone. Even myself since I push myself basically all the time to be better off then I was a week ago, a year ago, and a span of years. I know it sounds arrogant, like something that kanye west would say, but I feel like I've established a personality and set of beliefs and values that I can look up to. If I knew someone just like me, it would be grand.

Part of the reason I love to help people is because it is a representation of my abilities. To prove to myself that, I'm okay. Some of it, if not most of it, is instinct that cause me to act when people are problemed with something.

For example today I helped my friend, lillian, get into their car after they locked their keys inside. They asked for my phone, and what began as simply informing her mother to the situations led to me sitting down and calling a bunch of locksmiths around town. Eventually I found one for her and scheduled an appointment for them to open the car. This was all during a fieldtrip to PSU so it was a bit stressfull to transition between tasks. Later me and Lillian went over to the car. To the locksmith during the time i was suppose to do a presentation, I had done all the preparation beforehand so what I riskes missing was the actual presentation during this. At the car the locksmith informed us that full payment was to be given before he can even start to work. Lillian was short of $15, and I remembered that I had a $20 in my wallet at PSU. So I told them I'd get it and ran back to get it, picked up the speed because two things were waiting for me. The locksmith and the fieldtrip. Upon entering the doors of the fieldtrip, my presentation was up. I went ocer to the potieum and gave my quick explaination about how to acess a few things on the PSU library website. Afterwards I wrnt to my bag, grabbed my wallet, and was out the door again jumping down to skip the steps entirely tp get back to the other matter at hand. I gave the $20 to the locksmith and he opened the car. Lillian was happy and greatful. And i was more than happy to help, literally. And at the time I write thia, I feel that it's times like these that I love most about my life. I love to help people in an effective manner and be there for people. I like to handle the stress and take csre of business in whichever environment. I was happy, and this will serve as a happy memory.

I typically smile with my interactions with people, and wonder if it's a genuine smile or just habbit. I think that people do make me happy.

helping Lillian

Suprise Birthday, Real birthday, first cross country race.

On the 6th of September My family and I went over to my uncles house for a general dinner. I was told it was a going away get together for my grandmother who had spent some time up here. To my surprise It actually disguised as a birthday celebration! I had no idea, and it felt nice. It was the first time that I celebrated a birthday with people outside my household family since 2003. And back then, when I was six years old, It was at Chucke Cheese. in Aloha Ever since we left to Alaska, birthday celebrations haven't quite been the same.

The seventh, my actual birthday, I decided to quit on the idea of going to the Zombie filming hosted by the Portland Film Fesitival, and instead hang out with my friend at the nickel arcade on belmont. We also went to eat a few things along Hawethorn. The whole experience was new to me, to the point that it was hard to decide on what to do, since it was the first time I saw friends on my birthday. As weird as it sounds, it is true. I didn't get to see all my friends since some of them went to Komoricon in Vancouver, but my good friends Donavan and Anthony spend the day with me. It was odd to be the man of honor, but i enjoyed it.

My social experiment turned out to prove what I expected. No one said happy birthday on Facebook, which means they probably rely on Facebook to remind them on the day of. I received a call from Johnmartin, my friend from Jefferson, And a text from Fiona and Arabella, also friends from Jefferson, which was genuine.
As a result from the experiment I spend a good amount of time on Thursday going around the school and asking my friends when their birthdays may be. I told some about my experiment and decided that in order to make a more genuine connection with them through their birthday, I'd have to set up a system to remind myself to mention it days before. Asking for birthdays through people off guard since no one does that, but there was a time where that was the only way. Anyways, I hope to buy a cupcake for their birthday. That would be nice.

As for today....I ran at cross country, did poorly in terms of time, but I felt that I preformed well. I also have a lot of things going on in my life and cross country just takes up a small portion of my dedication this year. I still expect to do better, but my priority is on other things like student government, video work for football, being a math tutor for Spanish speakers and general college things as well.

I feel fine. I like to be busy. I'd rather do well in a lot of things than do excellent in one area. It seems to work fine to me.

As a last thought. Seeing so many girls at the meet today made me think about my status of being single. I feel like I've done pretty well for myself during my time in High school, but one thing I've failed is to have a companion to who I can share my experiences with. It's a bit sad, and I'm not sure why it's like the way it is. There had been few of girls who asked me out last year, but I'm not sure if It's me being too picky, too busy, or if I'm just afraid of change. I feel like girls are easier to manage as friends since a girlfriend requires plenty of time and care for a relationship to flourish. I've convinced myself that I'm ready for a girlfriend by doing things to the masses of girls at school that I would only do to one girl, if she was my girlfriend. Like giving flowers, giving full attention when listening, and being nice. I think I have it in my to be a good guy, I guess I just haven't found the right one yet and it makes me afraid about that I haven't met the perfect one. I hope I don't end up a more bitter person.

Video producing for money and the facebook trick.

I spent all of last night but 4 hours, editing and exporting the game on Friday. It's a neat opportunity to get paid to do something I would do for free, but editing through the night is definitely influenced by the demand of having the video ready by morning. It seems to be good practice for higher stress video producing.

Since my birthday is coming up so quickly, i decided to try a little social experiment. It's based on a sad observation that friends don't really keep track of the birthdays of their other friends. They leave that to the electronics. Every time some one's birthday comes up it's mentioned on Face book and will remind you the day of the actual birthday. It seems less genuine, since it's a system that gives kids these days a last minute reminder so they can write something short and generic on the wall their friend for their birthday. Instead of receiving these designing "happy birthday" messages this year, I hid my birthday from my Face book. Sure it's been up for a couple weeks, which would've given them enough time to put that into their short term memory enough to say something this coming Monday. I'd rather face the truth that I don't advertise my birthday much or that my friends don't remember my birthday than live in an illusion where Internet comments can make me whole.

And if people do say something on the day, than good on them! I believe in quality over quanity. This will be a good test to evaluate some friendships.

I found the Camera!

It turns out that the camera was in Mr. Kulak's class the whole time. It was lost for four days, do maybe one of the custodians moved it. Maybe took it? And then returned it when they saw it was property of PCC. Anyways I was literally speachless when kulak gave it to me during his 8th period class. During my time without a sound, he made a lesson of it: don't move to instantly thinking it was stolen (which I did not,but who cares I got the camera back!), we should live in a society where that is not consider. Of course I'm paraphrasing. Losing the camera kinda ruined my whole week, but even undertaking that I had to shovel from my bank account $600, I still found many moments where I laughed, enjoyed myself and felt over it. This experience has shown me Thai I am pretty laid back when times get tough. It's better to deal with it than complain. Since the day I lost it in September 1st I: filed a police report, a PCC appeal, a lost propertu form at my school, talked to the custodians that cleaned up kulak's room, interviewed 3-4 students who where in the library with me during the inverval of time it may have been lost, talked to +7 members if staff including the principle, searched kulak's room brielfy (maybe too briefly), and I rven submitted a report to Trimet and talked to the nearby library in case I live in a universe where ever now and then select people have weird travels that bend time to go somewhere,  without remember. Searching those last parts just made me feel better, to make sure all possibilities where covered. Oh! And I also went to the park to search for it for the same reason as just discussed.

Good day before the camera, better day after.

I was thinking that since I was so close to paying $600 on nothing to me, then if on the off chance that I do find it, I'd take those $600, that would've otherwise been wasted, and buy a camera.

Im still deciding on that, but one's thing for sure. I'm not checking out cameras as often anymore, and when I do you'll need a scalpel to detach it from my hip.

No luck about finding that $400 camera

Today I went to school hoping I'd get a few leads as to the whereabouts of the DSLR camera I borrowed from PCC. After checking all the rooms I might have left it in and shaking down all the adults that could've possibly been in contact with it I filed a lost property report at my school. After the search, I felt like I was coming to terms with this tragedy. I have a bit of hope that my 11th grade english teacher Ms. Wright gave me, that the item could be insured and I wouldn't have to pay for the full price of the item.

It wasn't a so great day.

A quick input because I'm busy

I ran well today at Peninsula, 20min run, pushed a bit was fun overall.
got started on my college essay,

I had a ton of inspiration of where the direction was going in my topic. Later I focused on working on the notorious water simulation in blender, motivation to write lessened. I am concerned.

I got my student ID today.

Oh! and I lost a $500-600 camera, hope I can find it tomorrow!

Good night.

Good day

 In the morning Ms. Turner, my research and medicine teacher informed us that Oliver Sacks died over the weekend. We were given his article to read and reflect on "This year, Change your mind" on Thursday or Friday and he died a couple days after, before we went to school. What a coincident. It's feels like what I wrote about earlier when I wondered how many people get injured on the first day of school. The world is a funny place.


Later that day I had Mr. Cofey's Senior inquiry class. I didn't expect it to be too bad, and it wasn't. The only complaint I have is not being able to find someone who can contribute with the same effort to group activity like we did today where we wrote about 3 experiences that have been meaningful so we can reflect on in groups of 3. I didn't get to my stories. Mine weren't really stories, I ended up sharing my beliefs on people. Like it's illogical to compare two people and asking my dad to come back from Alaska seems to complicate things so I've kept my sentiments hidden to promote his cause of working to support our family.

Apart from that I worked in Blender, got to talk to a few girls with which was nice and went to cross country.

At cross country we had a hard workout, but it was rewarding. It seemed that I wasn't too far away from the best runners on the team and I was actually fun to make some of the sprints at the end of the workout. I seem to be good at pushing extra effort at the end of long runs but I don't think that is consistant. I always slow down just a meter from the finish line which is a bad habbit of mine that I've carried along for a while. Neither the less, I am proud of my growth as a runner and I think I did race a little better with my new shoes. Or so I like to think so. No thanks to Nike, I think it was the fact that shoes weren't 6 years old anymore.

I think overall, today was a good day.

Quick update since I missed last night's

I've gone a full day since the time my post should've been made. Yesterday, in a nutushell: went to the mall was reminded that I hate shopping for shoes. Got these ones hesitantly(today I don't regret them one bit), they cost $140.

Picture was taken today after a good day at cross country

Things are falling apart

I've never seen my mother's eyes look so tired as she described her feelings on the curent situtation. She is afraid that my father will pull of the same behavior of giving money away to his family in Mexico for not much justified reason than philanthropy for them and his mother. As I grow older I hear more and more about the things that go on in this family. My brother's inability to be a self driven and independant person, my dad's obsession with his mother and her well being, even my mother who is unsatisifed with this long distance marriage. She is tired.

I try what I can to make things better, I've kept an eye on my brother and arranged some career finding oppertunities with him and It seems to be working out. I just wished I had done it sooner. I always knew he was intrested in computers, but I failed to see that he lacked direction and motivation. He's been going to Free Geek, a non profit organization, where he's been taking classes on computer parts. He tells me he really likes it and it's the only time I've ever heard him say he likes a class. I hope that it will turn out for him.

As for my mother I beg her to give my father the benfit of the doubt on him turning in the money to benifit  our family, all of it. It is an odd thing that so much of the money is being siphoned into the construction of my grandmother's house. It makes little sense since the house will belong to my uncle when she passes away. Why can't my other family members pitch in? Why can't he use that money to build on our lives. He could stay with us longer here in Oregon, pay off the three houses and maybe devlop a buisness here.

But my mother says he's slow like my brother. He lacks judgement. It makes me feel like everything is not alright, and may never be. My mother tells me she's been lied to and treated worst than a friend, much less a wife.

In a year I'll be gone, off to college. I just hope my dad will have a plan and my brother will have founded deep roots of intrest in a career that will motivate him to study and advance in life. My family isn't normal. I've known this for a long time, but I never knew that I could change it. I must keep alert.

Pulled away from a Perfect Climate

Today was my second day of school so I got to experience the other half of my scheduled. It turns out, upon inspection, that my senior inquiry class is different from what I expected. I have a more unfamiliar teacher, with a different teaching style. I showed up the first day to Mr. Kulak, which his name also implies him to be a pretty cool guy....wait Kulak cool lack?...never mind! Anyways it was perfect. He should proper enthusiasm for teaching the class, felt good about that particular set of kids in general, and spoke like we was on a TED talk, it was nice. The other kids in that class were all the original kids that I had seen since year one, well most of them.

That feeling of being pulled away from such a nice class, into one that is said to not have equal quality, is dissatisfying. Although, I'll stay in the class that I was designated to, even if I really wanted to be in Mr. Kulak's class. I feel that fate has a funny way of carrying me toward deeper understanding of things. A funny coincident about my new class that I must go to is that It has exactly the some people who I wanted class with. I guess I should be careful of what I wish for.

Although, It can't be all that bad. It's a senior class, there are some pleasant and bearable people in it, I'll be fine. All these years at Jeff I've coincidentally be placed in some pretty great grouping for classes, maybe this time will be the same. Regardless of the teacher.

The First day of the Last year.

Today was the first day, apart from staying awake a bit long than I'd like to the night before like I always do the day before school It felt not much different then any other day of this summer. Sure I was happy to see some people that I looked forward to seeing that day, but the whole day felt...desensitize. It may have been because I knew this day would come since before I started high school at all. I dreaded the incoming senior year because it marked the last day of being a kid. I had no problem with growing up, in fact I see myself at a better life in the future, but I figured too many people blow off their childhood and next thing they know, it's gone. So to make sure I lived a fruitful life with little regrets, I did the opposite, I did as many extracurricular activities to make my school year go by faster. I acknowledged the passage of time which caused dread to me so that I may act when I felt so. As a result, the time it took me to get this far feels: just. I don't feel robbed of time. When peers ask me "can you believe we're seniors now?" I reply with "yeah, I can. I've had this in sight for quire some time". I've feel like I've grown a lot as a person, and going to school today, even it didn't feel like school, I felt relaxed and felt like I owned the place. I felt like nothing I do is unusual, because I am the new norm, one of the oldest member of students. I set examples by just me being me. It was refreshing to no longer have that level of uncertainty. My classes are short, I finish school before lunch for both of my A-days and B-days.

Today I have student government and I feel that I the power to go around and bring the student body to attention with some of our efforts without feeling overpowered by seniority or judgement of what the seniors think. I am the senior now. Senior inquiry a bit uncertain about how I would do, turned out to be just my style of class. I am happy with a lot of things now, and throughout the day I became empowered to bring a lot of effort into the programs I will go into, to end with a big bang. I want to bring girls to the innovation challenge team, I want to make a promotional video for robotics, I want to lead student government with statistics that I gathered to make more impact movements. I think this year will end up being the best.

The only issue I have to resolve now is conflicts between two hobbies: video production  and running. Currently I have the opportunity to do cross country and shoot for the football team on Fridays, but I think I can fix the issue by training during my free periods if I can so I can record after school. If that doesn't work, i worked it out with my coach. Yes I would be missing important training, but training by myself is possible. He says it require discipline to keep up, but that is the initial reason I started sports, not to be competitive but to have as a discipline. My resent reason is fun which is fulfilled already(well so far, training as usual isn't where the fun is.It's at the meets). So if I feel my time is used well recording the football team on Fridays I will do both. I get a little to do it, but at this point no amount of money is worth my precious senior year time. This year is going to be great.First

New family member, may be the last of this generation.

Last night my cousin was born. It may be the last one my aunt and uncle will have, and the last child across all my uncles and aunts. I wonder what it'll feel like to be the youngest. My mother, sister and I went over to Mt. Hood Legacy medical center to see her. Her name is likely Camila, reminds my of chameleon. I hope she doesn't get teased at school. Anyways her aunts and grandmothers say she's beautiful, but who would say otherwise. Anyways again, I look forward to seeing what all my cousins turn out to become when we are all Adults. Although setting them grow up is a weak spot for me.  Aging has alwaus been my weekness, sort of a melancholy feeling it gives me.

Aside from my little cousin's birth, the first day of the last year of school is tomorrow. I don't feel too different about it, I guess because I've had some PCC classes over this summer and I've been anticipating this day for quite some time now. By the time I get home new it'll be past my set bedtime to get the minimum sleep time, but it doesn't really matter I'm a hardcore scholar. Who needs sleep? Or water? That's all a myth! I can take it. Well I'll drink a bit of water in case... I'll definitely will be sleepy tomorrow morning, but it cpuld be worst. I wonder how many people miss the first day of school because they go to the hospital from an accident in the morning. Or how many people come early to school to hangout with friends before the bell rings. The US is a big place, with so many kids across it. Heck with some kids no doubt that share my cool birthdate 9/7/97. Of course the US is no comparison to the world, but hey I'll stick to comparing to what's familiar for this thought.

A message from a disappeared friend

Today I went to the Portland art museum with a friend. I promised that I would go worth her to something over the summer and I kept my word even if it's a couple days before school resumes. I always keep my word, but sometimes things are cut close because of my strict mother. I can't go out to do fun things two days in a row,  but alternating seems to be a method around that. Anyways I made it a day so I went to the bank to withdraw some money for my siblings that my dad deposited from Alaska. It's his way of showing he cares, but the money typically lies around in storage for me, can't say the same for my bother and sister. After that I went to Portland community college to print some graphs that I made from a student survey at my school. It was some quick stuff, I want to spend the rest of my summer not doing school work and leave that for my student government class. The results are mostly for strategic planning, but some is intesting like my school is a 2 to 1 ratio of girls to boys. Male in senior class is 18% which statistics both are astonishing. I can see it when I go to school. Compared to the rest of the schools in Portland is very disproportionate. It's all pretty much 50/50, but I like my school this way for more reasons than one. The highlight of my day was of a surprising nature. I received a message from someone on Facebook. It seemed normal enough upon inspection except for the name: Angelica Thompson. She disapeared a couple years ago. Now not literally, in an amberalert fashion, but pretty much as fsr as I could communicate to her yes. No text, no Facebook, not sround town. In her message she thabked my for being a good friend and said that she thought about me from time to time. It was a shock. But I welcomed the sentiments. I can only hope good things to come, it's not everyfay that someone reappears into your life.

I turn my camera on

I've made the decision that I want to start my senior year blog a few days early. This blog isn't really intended for anyone else but myself, but I will have it public under the principle that I'd like to hear someone's story be told far away from here. I suppose I should start by telling the reason behind this journalist that I'm wanting to start.

It was a pretty quick decision in under an hour I've decided It would be a good thing to record a little something before my departure of high school. Currently I will be entering my senior year at Jefferson High School-MCAS in Portland Oregon. I suppose more information will surface as I write my entries which will make it fun for the both of us no? I'm not in the habit of sharing things, so giving an overview of my life is unappealing to me. I don't subscribe to the regime of posting on Facebook and twitter like too many teenagers my age. Instead over the past 3 years I've been just documenting my life through photos and video. Their subjects are not even of myself, but rather the places and experiences of my past. I have no one around me to hold up the camera for me so these pictures are all I have. Sometimes I wish I could sit down with someone and share my memories as they are displayed in the frozen frames that I have created. Each picture has a story behind it, sometimes short, but nonetheless a story. Perhaps a picture hold a certain feeling I had and whenever I refer back to it I can remember why I took that picture. I try to have meaning behind the pictures I take.

My inspiration for this blog comes from my desire to document my life, knowing that I create windows for my future self to look back on and see how things were. I sometimes feel as I am living in the past, and other times feel as it is the future. It's all quite lovely to think about. I've come to the realization that writing may be the only in depth way for one to look back on this past and make sense of what I feel. Pictures alone can be worth a thousand words, but not all of them may be what I wanted them to represent so I write today. The straw that broke the camel's back on this one was a bit of reflecting on my own life after playing "Life is Strange" on the PS3. It was only a demo of the first part of the game, but it made me really think about how I view my life at this point going past my adolescent years. I think about that Kind of thing a lot, and I may go over it sometime later. The short of it was that game was beautiful and it inspired me to write, to share for once even if it's not to someone close, because I'm tired of waiting for that one person to come around. I feel that this could be a beneficial practice for me and I hope to see it play out well for my last year of adolescence. .